Top 10 Uses for a vuvuzelas
Cricket stumps
If you can get your hands on three vuvuzelas and set them up as stumps, you too could take part in the world's 'horniest' cricket game. Perfect for a lazy afternoon knock in the park after the World Cup has finished in South Africa.
'Yard' of ale
Obviously, this one is dependent on the length of the vuvuzela you manage to get your hands on, but if you fancy taking on the challenge then simply block off one end, load up your vuvuzela with your favourite tipple and get chugging. Obviously, we recommend soft drinks for this challenge. Not beer.
Plug the BP oil leak
If BP continues to struggle with the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico, then maybe they should consider our solution* - simply build a massive vuvuzela, lower it down on top of the pipe and hey presto - one new oil well.
* We didn't say all of our alternative uses would be practical. Or realistic.
Drown out James Corden
He's here, he's there, he's everywhere - you can't hide from James Corden this summer, with appearances on Doctor Who, to his own World Cup show and even a single alongside Dizzee Rascal. If you aren't a fan of Cordon, or your name is Patrick Stewart, then simply blow your vuvuzela whenever he appears in the media. You never know, he may get the message.
Impersonating a giant bee
A simple way to terrify the general public, don your favourite bee costume (what do you mean you don't have one?), grab your vuvuzela and hit the local park for endless hours of fun.
The administration of enemas
You can thank Metro's resident Tech and Weird editor for this one. We aren't going to go into any more detail, but suffice to say we wouldn't advise searching for pictures of 'enemas'.
Ear trumpet
Many fear that fans at the World Cup will come back with hearing damage due to the incessant noise of the vuvuzela, but we think that they can be both a hearing aid and a hearing annihilator. Once your ears have been shot to pieces, simply flip your vuvuzela around and rock the old-school 'hearing trumpet' look.
Cigarette holder for the world's largest cigarette
If you want to puff away like an oversized Audrey Hepburn, then simply turn your vuvuzela into one giant cigarette holder. Unfortunately, we have no idea where you could possibly find a cigarette of a suitable size to realise this dream.
Play a Beethoven symphony
All you need is a vuvuzela orchestra, a booking at the Royal Festival Hall, wine and nibbles at the interval and, hardest of all, a willing audience.
Water flume for voles
If there's one thing voles don't have enough of, its aquatic entertainment. If you are armed with a vuvuzela, a vole, and a stream of water you can create your very own water park, just for rodents*.
* Please don't try this one, we're not actually sure if voles would appreciate a water flume.
